Loving Perspectives

How to Fix Your Picker

“Kim divorcing Kanye.” was the headline that I saw. 

My mind quickly spit out this thought, “Her picker is broken.”

That’s what my mind does – discerns, makes judgments. Some of them are harsh, I know. And I don’t know Kim Kardashian. I could be wrong. But after 3 short marriages, it’s a good question to ask oneself; is my picker broken?

In other words, am I attracted to people for unconscious reasons that ultimately lead me into relationships that are not good for me, are unhealthy, unsatisfying or worse, abusive or dangerous? And how do I remedy this?

So how do you fix your picker?

By looking within. We have to do the work to heal old trauma, unmet needs and unforgiveness of self and others.

Until we do, the same scenario will play out with partner after partner. For example:

  • You’ll be attracted to the “wrong” person because they will help you to replicate a relationship with one of your parents or someone else very significant in your life. You can have an unconscious desire to replay that relationship, to try again to win the person’s love or attention. This is often someone with an addiction or who is emotionally unavailable for any number of reasons, much like that parent or person was. You end up frustrated, lonely, trying to control or manipulate and generally driving yourself crazy, unless you forgive that parent or person with whom you had the original struggle. And also forgive yourself, for having replayed it. You can love yourself enough and fill yourself up so that the need to win another’s love no longer dictates your choices.
  • You can be attracted to those that have potential that they are squandering. Maybe you want to be the savior or the hero and think that this will secure someone’s love. If you are a perpetual rescuer, perhaps you can turn that attention and ambition toward yourself and your life. Usually there is enough to do there to keep you busy and truly minding your own business.
  • If you feel very bad about yourself, what you might attract and be attracted to is someone who reflects back those feelings and beliefs you have about yourself. Someone who affirms that you are unworthy or undesirable or deserving of poor treatment. The ego wants to be right, even if it is to your detriment or puts you in danger. Healing poor self-image and building self-love and compassion is a great thing to do before entering an intimate partnership.

Generally, we are attracted to the ones who will bring to the surface the very thing that needs to be healed in order for us to fully embrace ourselves, to feel whole again and to shine brightly in the world as we are meant to. This is good news. It’s an opportunity. Whatever feeling or belief the relationship keeps bringing up in us is the very thing that needs to be released, healed, forgiven or accepted. Be it shame, unworthiness, fear of being alone, a need to be heard or understood, or something else, we can tend to that part of ourselves with gentleness so that we don’t need another opportunity via relationship to see it.

Work with a therapist, healer, coach or teacher can be useful, especially to gain clarity as to what present or past relationships are showing you. It’s all there, in plain view, but sometimes you are too far in it to see it clearly and another can help you gain a broader perspective.

In between relationships is a great time to fix your picker, although it can be done while in a relationship. It’s certainly worthwhile anytime. But be warned, it can lead you out of a relationship that you are in if you heal the wound that attracted you to it in the first place.

Lessons repeat until we get them. Only then do we graduate to the next grade level, and are presented with new lessons. Life is a good, kind and thorough teacher in that way.

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